Things I Actually Said

For anyone considering going into school administration, I have here a glimpse of what that might look like. Yes, these are things I actually said as a high school principal -- some of them thankfully only once and others over and over and over.

• Let go of that woman!
• Everyone to the gym.  We have a chemical spill.
• Have you already talked with the teacher?
• Sure, I came to the Xmas Bazaar just so I could help you find the paper towels and the megaphone.
• Go to the office and sit down and wait for me.
• The ticking sound is coming from this locker.
• Put that away before the bell rings.
• Let's move!  The tardy bell rang yesterday, it rang the day before that and I'm pretty sure it's going to ring today too.  Hurry!
• Why are there 600 people in that dark building and only 10 outside on a gorgeous day like this?
• Could I get you to pull your pants up please?
• How did you get a zip tie on your thumb?  Oh my god, it's turning black.  Just relax!
• Root beer flavored milk?  Is this for real?
• A good day is one when we're not standing across the street staring at the school.
• Do you have your college logo today?
• If you film his backside in that open gown, I swear I'll break your camera.
• We'll start the meeting with a pop quiz.
• Are you available Saturday to wear the duck costume?
• Every one of us has a worst-thing-we've-ever-done. No, I won't tell you mine.
• How else might you have handled that?
• No, you may not wear the coconut bra to class.
• During a financial aid workshop:  None of you can divide 5000 by 10?
• I appreciate that you're the family's attorney but I run the meeting.
• Don't escort him out in handcuffs until students are back in class.
• Please zip your sweatshirt up over your exposed breasts.
• As a teacher:  What are your hands doing in your lap?
• Every one of you should plan to go to college.  And every one of you can.
• Whose class are you out of?  Where's your pass?
• Language!
• Before you open your mouth, remember that some time in the future you may really need me to believe you.  Now's a good time to start building that trust.